Note to self... Here you are in July 2013.

I haven't blogged in... 9 MONTHS! (gasp!) Not that I was ever great about keeping up with it regularly in the first place but that's a little much! To be honest, I kind of had forgotten about it entirely. Tossed it up to I didn't have time or there was no point, or my 5 readers wouldn't miss me anyway. Here's the deal though, I think I owe it to myself to document every once in awhile. I think I need that reflection on where I was in October of 2012 or July of 2013. So here's to that!

There have been so many changes in the past 9 months, like everyone else, life gets busier and I feel the constant need to revaluate my priorities and my time. The past 9 months I can say I've probably failed at that miserably though, so I'm going to focus on the last 30 days.

At the end of May I lost myself. 100% whole heartedly didn't feel like I had a connection with who I was anymore. I lost what I thought had been my best friend for 6 years. She and I finally agreed that our friendship wasn't a healthy one, it was based on control and gossip and turned us both into people we didn't want to be. I struggled with that loss nonetheless though. In many ways, I thought I had been a help to her for 6 years. I thought we were on this journey of growing up together when in fact we were probably hindering each other from growing individually. It sent me into a bit of a spiral. It was hitting me that I am 26 years old and haven't accomplished nearly what I wanted to. My attitude towards myself and the people around me suffered, especially my poor husband. I lashed out and convinced myself that my unhappiness with a few things in my life meant I was unhappy with my life in general. Three weeks of faking smiles for strangers and fighting the tears with those closest to me caught up to me in a devastating heart to heart with my husband who sadly really caught the worst of it. I went to bed after that conversation with him and prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed for some sort of relief, to beat this depression that had taken over my life, and to become who I knew I could be. I woke up the next morning feeling like exactly that, a brand new person.

I'm not saying it's fool proof, things hurt still. I still struggle with keeping myself in check. I've always been one to over react (to put it mildly) and to get so worked up I just couldn't control my emotions. I had become a been a bit of a pessimist. Having seen things go wrong so many times I found myself always assuming they would. And for the worst... I had become a complete control freak! I wanted people to live their lives the way I felt they SHOULD live them. I'm learning now that the word SHOULD in general is just a way of pushing how I feel on my expectations of others. However, I'm learning that although there are so many things I can't control there is one thing I can: myself.

So self control is now my best friend. I recite my uncle's best advice "Let it be." and my new personal motto "choose happy" to myself every few hours. I try to be there for my friends without taking on their stress as I always had before. I try to be an ear but remain detached. Aide in helping them feel better instead of dragging them down to my level or allowing myself to be pulled to theirs. It's a process. It's a struggle but I can honestly say, it is working. I feel stronger. I feel closer to God. I feel like I am finally back on track to who I need to be. I appreciate things in my husband and friends I had began to resent. I lean on him for support and communicate with him in a way I never could communicate with anyone. I use my support system for exactly what they are, a support system. I'm attempting to take on less as my own responsibility to "fix" and focus on things that aren't already broken. I look at the sunshine and take a moment to feel it on my skin, and appreciate that moment. I hold my friends children and just really soak it up. I pay bills with a purpose to hopefully one day not have as many instead of feeling the burden of my debt today. I spend time with people who really make moments feel happy. I count to 10, a lot. Most of all, I'm learning to not live in the past. The future is a beautiful thing and happiness really is the best choice I've ever made.

I live with hope. I live with love. I live with forgiveness. I live with peace...and to me, right now, in July 2013 it means everything to me.