((please excuse all of the YOU statements and know I'm about 100% sure they aren't directed towards you personally, at all))
Will SOMEONE, anyone, please explain to me the science behind a drug addiction. I come from the "why" generation and I need that "why" answered. I just can't wrap my head around why someone would put themselves through torture. Why someone would trade family, love and support for homelessness and a quick high. That high will fade, that box will cave in, that next score will seem like years away and in those moments, you are ALONE. Your drugs will not keep you warm, your drugs will not hold your hand when you are diagnosed with a new illness or when you are in hospice care. Your drugs will not cook you soup when your throat hurts. Your drugs will not get you a new car. Your drugs will not allow you to be at your children's little league game and experience pride in its truest forms. Your drugs will not be there to listen to you when you have had a hard day (a REAL hard day). Your drugs will NOT love you back, so why do you love them so much?
As the daughter of an addict who has been missing from the majority of my life I have truly battled this question of WHY as long as I can remember. I recall writing poems at the age of 8 about how his choices left me feeling, and they weren't pleasant. I remember taking stands against him and refusing to see him as young as 10 because his drugs came first. I have felt the impact of drug abuse and I know that leaves me with a strong prejudice, I get that. I know I assume anyone who does recreational drugs is an addict. I know I assume they put their drugs before their families. I know my mind wonders and I assume all addicts are (typically) selfish. Thankfully, I had people in my life to counteract that. I had a step father who stepped in and showed me what a father is being about, and as I grew older I was able to see my "dad" in a less cloudy light. I was able to accept his abuse and know that it wasn't WHO he is but a choice he makes. I can love him dearly without loving his choice. I can know that he is gentle and has the best of intentions and if being a father was based only on good intentions he would have been the best of them. I do love my dad, but I despise his addiction and it has forever put a wedge between him and me. ANYWAY, this isn't about him and me.
This is about people I see everyday abusing pain meds and anything else they can get their hands on, and WASTING their life. I want to shake them, truly shake them and say YOU HAVE ONE OF THESE. ONE BODY. ONE LIFE, and you are going to BLINK and it will be gone. Some of these people are homeless, they have no one because their entire life revolves around being terrible to people and getting their next fix. They parade around a hospital as if it is the hilton, treating nurses as if they are their slaves and their next fix should be a top priority. WHY? WHY do you feel entitled? Why do you feel because you have destroyed your life that I should help you numb the pain of the reality YOU have created! WHY! WHY! WHY!
I truly, with every fiber of my being, believe that drug abuse is a choice. Unless you are born paying for your mothers choices and born with a drug addiction, it is your choice. Just the same as you choose to get up and get dressed, or choose to drive a car or walk, or choose to put on the red shirt or the blue, picking up a drug is a CHOICE. The moment you make that choice you are putting YOU first. You are putting you above your children, above your mother, above your sister/brother and spouse. At that point you are no long any of those titles because you are going to compromise your own system so if anyone who the other half of those titles needed you, you wouldn't be able to be there. You wouldn't be able to listen if someone called you crying, you wouldn't be able to drive to the ER if someone fell, you wouldn't be able to do any of those things without putting someone else in danger. In those moments, it is all about YOU.
There is no poor pitty you for that choice. If someone is 500 pounds, everyone is quick to ridicule their diet choices, their activity choices, their hygiene choices, all of it. Everyone judges and discusses all the things they could have been doing differently to avoid the size they are now. Everyone has something to say about the 500 lb person with no genetic disorder to justify it...so why is it that the heroine addict is excusable? Why is it that they can say life is hard and they need an escape and it's okay? Why does our health care cater to this and continue to give them drugs beyond their needs because it's easier than listening to them complain or heaven forbid MAKE THEM LEAVE.
THIS is what REALLY gets me though! I have a grandfather who slaved his life away doing real work, he was a father and a grandfather, a brother, a husband and a friend and lived a GOOD life. He got colon cancer, faced terrible pain and lost his life. I had a grandfather face kidney transplants and agony and lost his life. My cousin was 25 and full of life. Goofy and funny and a prankster. He enjoyed everything about his life and was getting exactly what he wanted. Someone fell asleep and hit him, he's gone. Just gone. I had a dear friend, who loved life and valued it. She dedicated her life to exactly that, her life and making the very best of it. She smiled ALL day everyday, she laughed and it was contagious she made others around her laugh. She was perfectly healthy, she was 20 years old. She gets in a car accident, and is gone, forever. Never to return to live that life she ever so cherished and yet people are too busy shooting up and hating the world that they are as good as gone themselves.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think all pain is made up and I certainly do believe mental instability exists, in fact, I am incredibly interested in cases which are real and I love sitting down with patients who have true bipolar, anxiety, personality disorders, and other forms of depression because I love that moment when something "gets through" and I know I made a difference even if it's only brief. I know people have issues and I know I have been so incredibly blessed to not have an addictive personality and have had the strength to stir away from situations which may lead to me questioning myself and who I am. I know someday something could break inside of me and I could eat my words and my judgement and all things that are terrible about what I am saying. I know all of this and I can only pray for continued strength and a new sense of humbleness. I try to be level headed and remind myself I've never been there and I shouldn't judge but it's infuriating. It's infuriating that in 3 days it will be a year since Tarrista left this world to no fault of her own, and these people are just wasting away here on earth. I don't question God, his plan is far bigger than mine will ever be, but I will certainly never understand.
I am no saint, I like my wine and I drink occassionaly. I don't always eat the way I should and I complain when I have a headache knowing there are many others in far worse condition. I don't appreciate what I have the way I should, and I don't thank God as many times a day as I should, but I do know I have one body and one life. I know that when I start to feel the extra weight I'm carrying as it becomes harder to run, it's time to do something about it. I know that when my skin starts to tear, it's important to bandage it. I know that if I cut my hair off, it may not grow out the same because our bodies are forever changing and aging and what is today will not be tomorrow. This is my one body, one. This is my one chance, there is no do over in life. I don't know how people can want to waste that when so many others would do anything to get another shot. Ah, I just don't know.
Thanks for sticking with me through that one, theres a good chance that if I didn't get it out, I would truly implode.
<3JD
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